Try Softer
My friend Bekah just gifted me this great book, “Try Softer” by Aundi Kobler. I just started it, but it has already opened my eyes to a world where I am softer with myself. I world where “survival mode” is non-existent and a life of connection and joy is constant. Thankfully - survival mode is few and far between, but I catch myself slowly creeping back into that toxic space every now and then, and then eventually moving slowly back into being present. Where I tend to lose sight of connection and joy is when my day-to-day does not go as planned. Days where friends cancel plans, where an unexpected bill is charged to the account, where communication is sometimes missed, where projects don’t go as planned. These moments are when I can sense my joy slipping and toxic, anxious thoughts start to enter as I mull in my brain over and over what went wrong or where I had failed.
As someone who has childhood wounds from divorce and a broken family I thankfully realized, eventually, that I needed to go to counseling and do the heavy work in my life and marriage to begin the healing process in my own life. This was a major step with an incredible counselor. I first saw the amazing work that Matt was doing in his life and the changes and healing that had occured, and then the light-bulb went off in my head and I knew I needed to take this first, scary, but necessary step. This was a major step, but work has had to continue or I tend to just stay stagnant. Or when something happens that I don’t want to deal with I will simply go and disconnect from everyone instead of working through the stress and staying connected or hustling through in survival mode. Maybe this resonates with you?
It’s hard to escape the “try harder” mentality. Most of us hear in the world around us that we need to “pick up our bootstraps'' and keep going and hustling through life. But what happens when we do this? When we rush through everything? We miss so much of what is around us, we live a life pretending everything is ok and good. But white-knuckling is not a quality of life. This way of life just leaves me exhausted.
That’s where “Try Softer” comes in. It allows us to be aware of those moments we do have a tight grip and allows us to loosen it. It has made me more aware of the times when “failure” inevitably comes, and to be ok with it and treat myself softly and kindly. This helps me to grow in self-compassion and quiet my inner critic. It is also helping me to begin to move through emotions and not get stuck by them.
The other day something happened that was frustrating and I kept mulling on it over and over and over again - I was stuck. I thankfully realized that I was starting to disconnect and that I needed to work through this. For me, working through it, meant talking it over with Matt and mainly myself through journaling. Getting all of my frustration out on paper in a quiet space. As soon as all of it was released I felt my mind become present again.
This is not easy work, but working through growing in self-compassion and into a life of joy and connection is helping me to live this incredible life how we are made to live. I’m still in the beginning process of this book and “trying softer” with myself, but I think it’s going to turn out beautifully, not perfectly, but beautifully. I’ll keep you posted.
XO,
LE